Writing

I Just Wanted To Make Sure…

With Insta-famous Essena O’Neill exposing the shallow nature of her own social media use and also the genius behind Socality Barbie outing herself to her followers there has been a lot of hand-wringing and think-piece-ing about social media and what all of this means. A year or so ago I wrote ‘I Just Wanted To Make Sure…’ It was a tongue-in-cheek rant taking a minor irritation I had to it’s logical overblown conclusion to prove to myself how silly I was for taking social media slights so seriously. I re-read it occasionally whenever I feel like I’m edging towards that rabbit hole of pettiness, and I present it below for your own entertainment. Enjoy!

Eyes

Call it stalking, call it whatever you want, but I just wanted to make sure. I stumbled across it by accident, I wasn’t looking for it, it actually just presented itself, so I had to double check that it is what it is, y’know, before I jumped to conclusions. The metaphorical rubbing of the eyes and hard blinking…

I mean, I do get why it looks stalkerish, I admit that I have been obsessed a little bit, but I just had to be sure didn’t I? I went through many incarnations of being “over it”, but the nature of modern living is that you can’t simply be “over it” and you can’t “jusforgeddabouutit” because this other person is constantly in your face. Constantly giving off mixed and contradicting messages and constantly doing stuff that irritates you and reminds you exactly why you guys aren’t cool anymore. So then you have a rage spiral because every time you try to be cordial, it feels like they’re taking you for a mug over and over. I know I had to deal with it, so I was doing all this soul-searching and stuff, trying to work out how I was feeling and how I was going to deal, because I was a few screen taps away from cutting this person out of my life completely.

So don’t ask me why this happened, because really I was just idling away time with the infinite scroll of my social media feeds. Don’t ask me how I knew, but I noticed that they unfollowed me. Why would they unfollow me? I was the one close to ditching them. It felt like a bit of a slap to the face, because I was trying to be the bigger person, y’know? I didn’t wanna do something that would clearly show how much they as an entity bothered me and got under my skin, so I hung in there, ignoring their posts but dropping a casual ‘like’ here or there. That’s a big deal because they are the ones that pissed all over our relationship by being back-stabbing, jealous, and generally just a horrible person, so I would be well within my rights to just wipe them from my consciousness, but I allowed them to stay. An act of charity if you will.

So yeah, I’m sitting there trying to figure out what on earth provoked them to unfollow me on this one profile when it occurred to me that I’d better check all the other profiles. Just to know where I stand. So I’m flicking from app to app, checking and sure enough this jealous back-stabbing rat has unfollowed me on them all! What the hell?! How can they unfollow me?! After I put up with all their BS, they have the nerve to try and erase me?! Maybe it’s because their conscience burned every time they saw me post and I had noticed they didn’t like any of my recent posts, but then that shouldn’t surprise me. But y’know what, it does make total sense because that’s just the nature of who they are a person: a hater. I just hope they haven’t justified it by just making up stuff that I’ve done. Maybe they’ve misconstrued me not caring at all about their life into me purposely trying to offend them. As if I care enough about their existence to waste energy on that. That would drive me crazy. I hate it when people have the wrong idea but believe so vehemently that they’re right.

But then another thought occurred to me: this means that I’ve won! I won the game of being the bigger person. This whole situation proves that I’m way more tolerant than they are because I didn’t get offended and unfollow them for something petty. It shows that I’m totally over them because I can look at their updates and drop a casual ‘like’ without my soul burning with bitterness. It means that I’m mature enough to peacefully co-exist with them even after everything they’ve done to me! Ha! What a jealous, petty little bitch. I don’t know why I was ever friends with her in the first place.

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